I should be wrapping up on my research for a paper, and booking plane tickets for school in the UK, but it's been two years since I typed a decent post since I left San Francisco two years ago.
What astonishes me are the entries I posted years ago, especially those from 2003. The first thoughts, after reading those entries, that come to mind are, "Oh my God, I can't believe I actually posted that up!" and "Wow, my writing was really shitty back then!" It feels almost embarrassing to read what I posted, to the point I spent about 45 minutes deleting and editing a large amount of entries. Those entries, it seems, belong in a high school slumbook filled with immature teen angst, and are certainly embarrassing to be posted on any blog. I have kept more positive entries however, which I want to remember with fond memory.
Going over those entries also gave me a chance to reflect on how my life and outlook has changed. Outwardly speaking, you may not see me smoking as I quit last year, or downing alcohol and singing karaoke that often, but what's more important, in my humble opinion, is the way I now see life as it is. Additionally, I saw that the friends I had years ago, have changed as well, and our attitudes toward each other have changed a great deal. For example, I used to hang out with APASL activists back in college, now I hang out mostly with my old friends from San Francisco, and as the good Father Matthew said, 'theology tomes'. The only means of keeping in touch with my old APASL friends have been limited to Facebook or MySpace, and occasionally AIM. Do forgive me for saying this, but for many of my old APASL friends, I don't feel the same way toward them anymore, but I DO miss our friendship. Perhaps it would be great to grab a few drinks some day, but we've drifted apart, and I don't know how to relate to many of them any longer, but I wish I still could. It's tragic both they and I have lost touch, and yes, I do miss the old times, but we cannot turn back the clock. I think the only persons I've kept close touch with all these years have only been Shazia and Roxanne. I'm glad David and I reconnected this year, and Natalia to an extent. I think the person I miss the most is Robin. She had some interesting insights, and to hear her wisdom again would be a treat.
Haha, I think what's interesting as well is my attitude toward my love life. It cracks me up to read all my past love-rants on Xanga. I've kept some of them for a little humour that I should like to glance at later in life. I think I've tamed down quite considerably, comparing my love life then to now. My entries used to be so depressing, ranty, and whiny, that I can't believe all of you managed to bear reading my Xanga. What surprises me the most, is the power I had to actually complain, when now, if I do whine, I do so quite soberly and constructively. Sometimes I don't even whine at all, and just shrug it off.
Xanga used to be a place where we could all connect, and I sort of miss that. Yet it feels cumbersome with the 'emotional baggage' that my Xanga carries that I've started anew in other blogs. I've often thought of finally doing away with Xanga by deleting my account, but sentimentality forbids me to do so. I suppose, in a sense, it's a way to say, "I'm still here" despite my neglection of this blog. I know I sort of 'disappeared', but keep this blog was a 'memorial' to and reminder of my existence. So I promise: I'll try to update Xanga from time to time, and I hope you can too. Perhaps our bonds will once again grow much close, but I'll leave that up to time. My AIM screen-name is still the same, and I'm still there from time to time. I do have a 'spiritual blog' that I link up with my theological studies and parish life. If you want to check that out, it's http://quaeritedominum.blogspot.com . All original content, I promise, hehe.
I hope I can remain commited to this promise, and I hope this doesn't fall on deaf ears, but let's keep in touch, okay?
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